Throwback Thursday : My Husband’s Penis

Ling's husband

I have saved the best blog posts from my previous now-defunct blog and bringing them back here as Throwback Thursday posts so without further ado, please enjoy this post about my Husband’s penis which was originally published on 3rd September 2012.

This is the long-awaited story about my Husband’s “Penis”

Are you ready to see a picture of my Husband’s “Penis”?
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BAM!!!!!

my husband's penis, the pillow

Yep, say Hello to Penis the Pillow.

I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t know why { actually, I do know WHY…just read on… } but for some bizarre reason, we started nicknaming random objects around the house.  His pillow slash bolster was named Penis – because it is long (oo-er!) and it is floppy (oo-er!) and well, sometimes it gets horny { his words, not mine! } and sticks out of the pillowcase { AKA the Foreskin – again, his words, not mine! }

Penis the Pillow and I are not BFFs { that’s Best Friends Forever for the acronym noobs }.  We hate each other with a passion.  I hate it because it looks and smells disgusting covered in the Husband’s drools from when he cuddles it to sleep and especially when it sticks out of the case with the yukky itchy cheap pillow material oozing out.

Anyway, stay with me here.

There is a funny part to this bizarre story because last year, our guy friend’s parents { who were visiting him but live overseas } came to stay with us for a few days.

Yes, let’s clarify this…

Our guy friend from Church – his PARENTS who also go to Church in their country of origin.

They would be like the equivalent of some Auntie and Uncle in Church.  Except we didn’t know them beforehand.  So it’s not like me or my Husband grew up knowing them.  So we are basically strangers.

We were not used to having guests staying over at our tiny rental unit house { we have since moved to a bigger house } so on their first night, when they went to bed, we went to bed too.

This is what happened…true story…

Him :  *whispers*  Oh look, Penis is sticking out.  I think it’s horny again!
Me :  *forgets to whisper*  STOP IT!  NOOOO!!!
Him :  *waves Penis the Pillow in the air and shoves it near my face to annoy me*
Me :  THAT’S DISGUSTING!  I DON’T WANT IT!  STOP PUTTING YOUR PENIS IN MY FACE!

…and then we remembered we had guests…and we remembered the walls were thin as they were literally next door…and we burst into laughter with tears running down our faces…I laughed even more when the Husband buried his face into his Penis the Pillow…and we were totally red-faced in the morning.

Gosh, what must they think of us?!!

By the way, I managed to get rid of the Original Penis { it’s in the spare room for any overnight guests to use at their free will the Original Penis has now left the building } and the Husband now owns a Green Penis.

Original Penis the Pillow vs Green Penis

As you can see Green Penis is longer, sturdier and cleaner looking – which makes the Original Penis look inadequate!

Hope this made you laugh as much as it made us laugh!  This is a true story…just ask the Auntie and Uncle who stayed over 😛

Gosh, what must you think of me for writing the word Penis at least 15 times in this blog post?!!!

Bucket List Checklist :  Write a blog post containing the word Penis for a minimum of 15 times.

DONE!  *pats myself on the back with Penis the Pillow*

{ Side note :  Green Penis is now over 2 years old (in penis years, that is almost an antique!) and suffering from erectile dysfunction.  New young and stealthy penis wanted.  Please send all enquires to lingoutloud [at] gmail.com *winks* }

Do you or your partner (inappropriately) name inanimate household objects?  Share them below!

How To Take Flat Lay Photos Like A Boss – 10 Tips

How to take flay lay photos.  Lighting, tips and tricks you need to get the perfect flat lay photo.  More on www.lingoutloud.com

One of my goals this year was to become a fit exercise-loving mum improve my photography especially for my beauty blog so I’ve been poring through plenty of photography books trying to understand all the jargon, pushing all the buttons on my cameras and scrolling through Instagram every hour.

If you haven’t noticed, flat lays are the new black!

All flat lays are equal, but some flat lays are more perfect than others.

If you want to learn to how to take flat lay photos like a boss, then read on for my 10 tips :-

lighting for flat lay photos

1.  Lighting

This will help create a clear photo highlighting all the details.  Set up your flat lay near a big window where natural light will shine through and don’t forget to position yourself to avoid lurking shadows in the photo.

2.  Background

Plain backgrounds work best as a bold backgrounds can drown out the items you are trying to highlight.  If you don’t want to go for the same old solid white backgrounds, try using wallpaper, wooden floorboards, bed covers or your partner’s bare back!  { << just joking and making sure you’re paying attention! }

3.  Use Blu Tack

Tack down the items that have a tendency to roll away, e.g. lipstick

4.  Make it pretty

Use your common visualising senses here.  For example – think carefully of product positioning, don’t post up dirty stained clothes, don’t use too many clashy colourful items, do think of negative space, sometimes less is more and sometimes more is less… { and sometimes I don’t even understand what I just wrote!!! }

flat lay tips, flat lay photography, flat lay tutorial

5.  Square format

If you’re uploading your flat lay onto Instagram, then remember they like square format photos so you may want to set up your items in a square { or if you have an iPhone, select the Square option }.

However, if you haven’t shot square then don’t panic because just download the free Whitagram app as it adds a white border to your rectangular photo to make it square.  Or just crop it till you’re happy with it.

6.  Camera

Nowadays, smartphones can take great photos…but if you want to go one up, use an actual  camera.  A lot of cameras these days are Wifi enabled which means you can snap the photo, send it to your email and then download onto your phone to upload onto Instagram.  { Unfortunately, none of my cameras have this Wifi function… *hint hint* to the Camera Giving Gods }

7.  Props

Get prop happy to add a special touch to your photos, e.g. flowers, candles, inspirational quote prints, MacBook, magazines

8.  Steady hands

Nobody likes a blurry eyeball-hurting shot.  Hold your breath as you take the photo.  Or if it is possible, use a tripod.

9.  Practice makes perfect

Nobody is a flat-lay-born pro!  Just keep practising and take a number of shots till you get it right.

how to take flatlays, flatlay photo tips, flat lay photography

10.  Get flat lay inspiration

Search the hashtag #flatlays on Instagram and follow the people that catch your eye.  Obviously, don’t be a copycat but identify what you like about their style and find different ways to incorporate that into your own flat lay photos.

Read my 5 favourite flat lay Instagrammers you should follow now for inspiration.

I hope these 10 tips have been helpful.  Now, go forth and flat lay like a boss!

P.S.  If you aren’t following me on my Instagram account @LingOutLoud { beauty / food / baby / life photos }, you are dead to me!!! 😛

Do you have any more flat laying tips?  If so, pop them down in the comments because sharing is caring!

Sunday Sharing – 7 Things On My Mind

sundaysharing

This Sunday, I’ve decided to share 7 random things on my mind…

1.  Last week, my handbag containing my purse got stolen so I’ve been busy organising new bank / drivers licence / Medicare / private health insurance / loyalty cards to be sent.  I curse my bag thief with the biggest itchiest genital herpetic lesion!!!  Actually, make that plural – LESIONS!!!

2.  Only 3 more sleeps till my Mother arrives.  She’s here, not for me…but for her granddaughter Bunty Boo.  I hope she remembers to bring my favourite Scottish biccies { Digestives and Rich Tea, like duh! }

3.  I am looking forward to plenty of date nights with Mr LOL while my Mother babysits.  When I say “date nights”, it will most likely involve eating fatty foods in some restaurant that food bloggers have raved about on Instagram.

4.  It was super hot in Melbourne towards the end of the week and I felt hot and stuffy!  With the temperatures rising up, I urge thee to drink iced tea { alcoholic or non-alcoholic } and apply sunscreen.  And even if it’s stone cold Winter where you are, it’s also important to slap it on too.  Here are my tried and tested recommendations.

5.  I have a new blog obsession.  Ugh, it makes me feel so inadequate.  I’ve been blogging for over 10 years now and it’s not gotten me the book deal / I can’t give up my day job and blog for a living / I haven’t achieved worldwide blogging success.  All I have gained from all these years of blogging is a sore bum, RSI and worsened eyesight!  But I still love it and thank everyone { you know who you are! ) for their support for this new venture!  * sending virtual hugs and kisses *

6.  My right nipple is hurting as I type this { T to the M to the I!!!! }  Bunty and her two bottom teeth have not treated me kindly this week!  In other Bunty news, we took her swimming for the first time…and I’ll share the details in another post.

7.  There are 45 days till Christmas which also means, that there are 51 days left of 2014!!!  Where did the time go????!!!

…and now, it’s over to you.

Don’t be a stranger.  Don’t be shy.  Share anything you want.  Because sharing is caring!

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